Bill and Marianne driving away from the wedding
In reality, the process had started sometime back in the mid- to late Seventies. Bill, being a man of the times, was always admiring the power and prestige of arguably one of America's finest automobiles. His first experience with the Dodge was in his early years, cruising the town with his dad. As his father once said, "He never wanted to go out in anything but the Dart. Even when we got a new car, he insisted on taking the Dart."
Later in life Willy once again was given the opportunity to appreciate the smooth lines and fine driving of the Dodge Dart. His good friend Vec owned one and they would take the Dart around town, catching the eyes of jealous on-lookers. But the joy was short-lived. The Dart was lost in an accident. After the tragic loss, Bill knew that he wanted another Dart, and he was going to get it. And anyone that knew him knew he wanted one. But there was always the question of when. Time was running out as the remainder of America's Darts were being shipped down to Mexico and South America (people who truly understand the meaning of a "fine ride"). And all the Darts that were still around were racking up the miles and rusting away before his eyes. It looked like the dream might die.
But then it happened, the string of events that saved the dream and inspired action in dozens of friends.
On one of his regular trips to Boston, Howell was having lunch with Ed, the best man (the term is used loosely here) in Billy's wedding. They were sitting in front of Back Bay Brewery on a warm May day taking in the fine weather and local talent. The conversation was relatively heavy (at least for two guys out drinking) and mostly revolved around a troubling trend that was going on around them: everyone was getting married. The conversation quickly turned to Bill and, more directly, his bachelor party.
As the best man, Ed was directly responsible for giving Bill a night he wouldn't forget. (The problem was that Bill was likely to completely forget any night that he wouldn't forget.) They needed to plan a night that not only was memorable and entertaining, but one that matched his personality. This may be letting the female persuasion in on a deep, dark secret, but there is much more to a bachelor party than alcohol and women. The party itself must be a reflection on the groom. For example, if your younger brother were a HUGE Red Sox fan, drank plenty of beer, and dined exclusively in pubs, you wouldn't want to throw his bachelor party in Hilton Head. On the other hand, if he was a lawyer that drove a fancy car and didn't step foot in any place that served Genessee Cream Ale, Hilton Head might be the right choice. For Ed, this created a serious problem. As you probably already know, Bill is hard to keep up with. He's always got another crazy idea and a new favorite locale. One week it's the local Days Inn and the next week it's the Cantab. This put some serious pressure on Ed. He had to come up with something just as crazy as Bill might think up. The ideas were fabulous. They ranged from casting a cup to his right hand to dressing up in Euro clothes and making fools of themselves at the local chic bar. As those of us who are in the know, know it ended up being perfect.
While Ed and John were discussing the possibilities and reading through a paper that Howell had picked up to see if any bands might be in town, it hit him. John knew that the one thing they needed to knock Bill's socks off was a Dodge Dart.
Ed and Howell discussed the possibility of getting a few friends together and getting Bill and Marianne the car. At first it seemed like a simple idea--after all, how expensive could a 1970's car be these days? But deep down Howell knew that it would be more complicated than either of them could imagine. He needed a strategy.
The strategy was actually quite simple: get some help. He needed some backing before throwing an idea to the masses. For Howell that meant one person - Haggard. Haggard has the persistence to follow something through to the end and the rallying ability the likes of which you've never seen. With him onboard, there was no way this could fail.
With one call, the fundraising ability and coordinating power was more than tripled. Now there was hope. There were two things that the newly formed H&H Enterprises needed to do: find a car and raise some cash. Contrary to what you might expect from a bunch of recent graduates, it was easier to sell the idea than find the goods.
It seemed as though everyone they asked wanted to contribute. They all were more than happy to donate to such a worthy cause. A good example of the commitment and willingness was found at Keith Halpern's bachelor party in Dewey. John saw Keith's party as the perfect opportunity to gain some more support. After all, Bill was in Boston getting his hammer toes straightened out, so everyone could talk freely. No such luck. Bill paid a not-so-surprise visit to the beach house and put a little crimp in the plan. Howell had to think. He couldn't just blurt out the idea when Bill was around, and didn't want to do it when everyone was in a less than proper state of mind. He waited for the perfect opportunity.
Then it happened, Bill went for a little cruise on the rollerblades and left an opportunity for everyone to work out the plan. The reception to the idea was immediate. A couple of people questioned how much Bill would actually enjoy a Dart, and everyone was concerned about making the gift a present for the couple not just for Bill. With a little persuasion from Haggard and Howell, everyone realized the pure power of the idea, and with a little brainstorming, they knew that they could make the Dart just as valuable for Marianne.
Secrecy was sworn in beer (they were running low on blood) and the crowd hushed as Bill came back in the house. Besides a few whispers in the next few days, nobody mentioned the Dart.
Billy's bachelor party was another opportunity to gain financial support. Most of the key players were already on board, but there were a few doubters in the crowd. John asked the skeptics for five hours to prove Bill's desire and they all agreed that this would be reasonable. A few minutes later, while watching Dazed and Confused, John laid the trap. Billy, unknowing of any plots against him, sat watching the movie and reading the newspaper. When the scene with the old pick-up came on the screen, John said, "I would love to have an old truck like that." Billy, from behind his paper, said, "All I've ever wanted was a Dodge Dart." No more doubters.
With the financing well in hand, the next step was locating a vehicle. This, on the other hand, was not so easy coming. Howell, Haggard, and Ed each took a different piece of the US. John looked out in Chicago, Andrew in DC, and Ed in Boston; but nobody was selling Darts. It seems as though most of the machines had dropped off the face of the earth. They were starting to run low on hope when Howell did a search on the Internet only to find page after page dedicated to the Dodge Dart. These people are fanatics. Dozens of stories about Darts doing everything from saving lives to climbing trees. But none for sale.
The true break came just when Howell had thought that all hope was lost. He was searching on the Web, reading stories about Darts, when he happened across an advertisement. "1974 Dodge Dart, Mustard Yellow, Please call 617…" Perfect! This was it. Finally a Dart for sale, and better yet, it was already in Massachusetts (at this point they had reverted to searching the entire country). Immediately Howell picked up the phone and started to dial.
Answering machine. Bummer.
After five messages, six emails, and a total loss of hope, he finally heard back from the seller. She sent an email letting John know that it was still for sale and that he should call right away if still interested.
Answering machine. Bummer.
Finally, after two weeks of exchanging emails and voice mails, he gets in touch with Jennifer Rohe. It seems as though Jennifer's grandfather had passed away a little over a month earlier and she was in the process of selling his estate. The bank had told her to sell the car to the junkyard, but she knew better. The car itself: 4 door, mustard yellow with a white top, A/C, solid state AM radio, white-wall tires, slant six, and (here's the killer) 34,000 ORIGINAL miles! [A lot better than those pesky plagiarized miles.] Unbelievable. This was all too good to be true.
They talked for a little while and went over all the details. She was asking a pretty penny for the car, and John knew that it was a little out of their range. And then the bad news, the car was in Florida. Melbourne City to be exact. It seems as though the car has been sitting in a car park for the last 15 years (when her grandfather had a stroke). Who could know the condition? How was H&H Enterprises going to assess the car before paying for it? All of the details had to be dealt with in 3 weeks. This would be one for the record books.
Howell hung up the phone with Jennifer and called Haggard. Here were the options:
Launching such an effort required strategy and brainpower. With limited amounts of each, H&H went to the secret source of their endless energies, Burrito Brothers. Over super double wrapped black bean and spinach burritos, they decided that the best option was to have the repairs done in FL. They could have the mechanic check the car out and give them an estimate for repairs and value. This way, even if they got stuck paying for repairs on a car they didn't buy, they wouldn't get stuck with shipping costs.
Howell called Jennifer back. She was dumbfounded. "You mean to tell me you actually want this thing? Who in their right mind would go through all this trouble for a 1974 Dodge Dart?" Thinking that this might be an excellent opportunity to lower the price, John proceeded with the story. (At this point Bill, Marianne and their families are about the only people alive who haven't heard this story.)
Jennifer was in awe. "I can't believe you guys are going through all this trouble for a couple of friends. That's so cute. I think I'm going to cry. What's his name?" It was working; she was starting to associate herself with the story and the adventure. And then the incredible happened:
John: "His name's Bill. Bill Kane. Hers is Marianne."
Jennifer: "Wait a minute. They didn't go to Tufts by any chance, did they?"
John: "Yeah. And so did I. So did everyone who's donating for that matter."
Jennifer: "You've got to be kidding me. I graduated in 1991."
As it turns out, Jennifer had serious connections with a lot of the contributors. This was just the break that H&H Enterprises needed. Jennifer wanted the newlyweds to have the car and was willing to drop the price. Many thanks are due.
The next two weeks were hectic to say the least. The details had to be worked out, and they had to be worked out now. The car was being towed to a local shop. H&H was in full swing and John was in constant communication with Jennifer and Ron Giri (the mechanic at Palm Bay Tire). Ron would check out the car, do some of the more serious repairs (tires, battery, hoses, rubber and the like) and get the car ready to hit the road. Jennifer would talk to the trustees at the bank and work out all the paperwork. John concerned himself with the details of the car. Andrew was on top of the transportation.
At first Howell had a pretty easy time with it. He was a little uncomfortable paying for repairs on a car he hadn't seen and sending someone a check without getting anything in return. There was a whole lot of trust going on. The first serious problem came on Thursday morning (they were supposed to pick up the car on Sunday). Ray informed them that the garage wasn't open on Sunday and that they didn't take credit cards over the phone. Nothing a money order and Federal Express couldn't solve… assuming the UPS strike had no effect. Ron got it in time.
Friday, the second little crick came their way. The title. The title needed to get to H&H before they could even think about driving the Dart to Boston. It was too late to ship the title to Howell, since he was going to a wedding on Saturday. The only hope was for the bank holding the estate to ship the title directly to Ron. That meant that Ron had the title, the keys, and the car. H&H had yet to lay eyes on the Dart.
With only 24 hours to execute the entire plan, it was essential that every step be completed flawlessly. Haggard caught a cab at 4:50 am on Sunday, got on a train to a bus to the plane, and touched down in Orlando at 9:00 am. Clockwork. Agent Haggard then, according to the plan, booked the rental car, secured the keys and familiarized himself with the layout of the Orlando International Airport. He recognized a few operatives from M5 and Interpol, so he would have some people watching his back ... the airport was a famous thoroughfare for Nigerian thugs and Cuban drug lords with their families on the way to Disney World.
On a different sort of mission today than usual, Agent Haggard's next directive was to locate the arrival gate for Continental Flight 751 from Newark. This is where he would rendezvous with Agent Howell. Agent Haggard was a little worried about this part of the plan. Howell was usually obsessively punctual, but there was a rumor that San Francisco operative Kuo was also in New Jersey, and Howell might have to go to extraordinary lengths to shake this Asian-American menace.
Meanwhile in New Jersey, Howell was recovering from a wedding party the night before. He knew it would be difficult to pull off the entire effort and make the hour and a half drive to Newark to catch the 7 am flight, but set several alarms to ensure the effort.
Back in Orlando as Flight 751 deplaned, it was a fine parade of big hair. The rush of people slowed to a trickle, then an elderly woman came off in a wheel chair followed by the flight crew and the pilots. No Howell. Had to be Kuo! Come on Kuo! The next flight from Jersey was an hour later at 10:45. This would be tight. Howell made that flight, thanks only to a rental Escort that was able to hold 100 mph on the NJ Turnpike. Kuo had gotten Howell completely sozzeled at a wedding reception the evening before, then thrown him in the pool to try to finish him off. After waking up at 6:45 for a 7 am flight, Howell managed to get to Newark, drop off a rental car and get on a plane by 8:10. Damp, but still alive, Agent Howell claims that his service issue alarm "never went off." Later inspection revealed that it was the operator of said device that was faulty, not the device itself.
An hour behind on an already tight schedule, H&H Enterprises collectively cursed the governor on the rental car that would not let them exceed 102 mph on the flat, straight Florida thruway. They made an executive decision on the spot to get a corporate BMW M5 as soon as was it was fiscally prudent, or when they could scrape together a "business" loan, whichever came first. Pulling into Melbourne with enough time to get to the Autotrain, but without enough time to check out the talent on the beach, Agent Haggard smacked Agent Howell good. As they pulled up to Palm Bay Tire, the Dart came into view. What an incredible sight for sore eyes. Perfect. A few tears were shed before they found the keys and gave her a shot. The moment of truth. She started right up. Couldn't ask for more. A little spit shine and they would be in business.
They styled down the freeway back to Orlando to return the rental, then on to Sanford. People who knew gave her a knowing glance as they trundled by. Too cool. Bill would approve.
After burning a half a tank of gas in only 35 minutes, they arrived in Sanford, FL--the kind of town where three year olds can walk comfortably under the jacked-up pickups and where the shadier characters move after their release from local "institutions." The line of cars was long and the patience wasn't. At the terminus of the Autotrain queue was a tubby cop. A redneck, no doubt. The two scholars reflected on the first rule of bureaucracy, "Give a little man a little power and he will execute it arbitrarily and capriciously." His mustache told us to go around the block. A snooty Volvo didn't have to.
On a mission to arrange better quarters on the Autotrain, Haggard surveyed the vehicular competition. There were a couple of nice Beemers, but nothing came close to the Dart. The two Yankees would be kings on this trip. Alas, the sleepers were full, so the kings would have to ride coach. They didn't plan on doing much sleeping anyway. After all, there was a coed in a Saturn in front of them who clearly needed some tutoring. After a wonderful, yet unproductive, first approach, they positioned themselves for a more strategic attack -- conquest would have to wait for a more liquid opportunity.
Approaching the train, they pulled to the first gate where a lovely woman placed a large magnet on the driver-side door. The number: 255. She instructed the Dart to pull forward to aisle number 2. There they parked the car and handed over the keys to a smiling local ruffian. With a nod from the Directors, the little punk fired her back up, gave thumbs up, and slid her into her berth on the train.
No longer encumbered by piloting responsibilities, the two Directors set off for provisions for the ride. Like the young college women heading north for the fall semester, Haggard and Howell were excited about the adventure that still lay ahead. They decided that the best line of offense on such a trip required at least a six-pack. (In their case, that meant a couple dozen.) The train was slow to leave. They watched as the car carriers hooked up at the end of the people carriers. The cars hadn't moved and already a six-pack was down the tubes. It became clear that they would have to ration their provisions as they were in danger of passing out on the floor of the train before they had even left the station. A few beers down and Amtrak showing no forward progress for their efforts, the duo firmly believed that they should be driving the train. A couple of fellow passengers hinted that it was not the best idea they had heard all day, so H&H Enterprises left the helm to the "professionals," and stubbornly returned to the task of emptying their cooler.
Finally, after the sun had traveled several degrees closer to the horizon and the gentlemen's BAC had notched well past legal, the train started moving. To much relief, the beer was still flowing. After a month of planning, H&H Enterprises was enjoying a terrifically successful first day of operations. At least the Board of Directors was having a good time, and that is all that really counts, isn't it? No longer was it a figment of their excessive imagination, but it was happening before their eyes. Billy's dream was a reality; he just didn't know it yet.
The week prior to the wedding was a busy time for the directors of H&H Enterprises. Unfortunately, H&H was not yet a profitable venture (in monetary terms) so the directors reluctantly reported to their less exciting employment during the day. Evenings were dedicated to getting the Dart up to speed. A couple of hours spit-shining each evening and the Dart was starting to glow and the chrome was beginning to sparkle. They had also eradicated a slight mildew she had acquired in the steamy flat swamp called Florida. The last night before departure was used for some finishing touches. The Directors ignored the suspicious questions of neighbors as they polished and shined until midnight under the security halogen outside of Haggard's apartment. A cop approached and asked them about the expired Florida plates and the bad tail light. They told him to piss off. International mercenaries don't trouble themselves with the local law enforcement, and H&H was no exception.
One of the new young female neighbors came out to walk her dog that evening and also inquired regarding their clandestine project. Howell started to quiz her about where she went to school and other such niceties. Haggard asked if he could borrow her fluffy little dog, as it appeared that the pooch might have good buffing properties to really bring out the Dart's shine.
"I'll meet you at the Baltimore tunnel tolls."
It appeared as though Howell had spent the entire first hour of his trip with the pedal to the floor to keep the machine alive. In order to slow down he shifted the car into neutral and kept the pedal steadfast on the floor. Famous last words. Howell was there all right, but with the hood propped up to the sky in some sort of prayer to the mechanical gods. Daisy was not moving. Time for AAA.
Big rigs rumbled by, shaking with smooth, loud power as they pulled away from the tolls, leaving H&H behind. They figured there must be room on one of those trucks heading north for Daisy.
Half an hour later the tow truck arrived. The driver was a bit of a local who pretended to diagnose the problem without trying to start it or even opening the hood. Turns out Haggard and Howell knew as much about engines as he did, and they were two guys who liked to play name the major engine part with their new found car. "Is that the alternator?" "No, I think it's the air conditioner."
The driver played it cool. "I'll do whatever you want. I'll take your car wherever you want to go."
"How about New Jersey?" they chimed. (Where Pete was waiting for H&H.)
"Uhh…" was his response as he scrunched up his face and looked at the ground. He wasn't really on the team, but he did hook up the car and headed north to New Jersey at $2.50/mile. Their strategy was formulated at 10:00 pm under the desperate pressure of having to make it to the Northshore mall by 3:00 pm the next day. They decided to position the Dart strategically near a shop in NJ that would be a little closer to Boston and might actually open before 9:00 am.
Halfway there they realized that there were plenty of chances for their little plan to fail. As an emergency backup they called the most reliable man they knew – OB. Howell called OB from a payphone off the highway in Maryland and asked him, "OB can you do me a favor? I need …" Before he could finish the sentence, OB replied, "Whatever you need, wherever it is, I can help." Confidence returned to H&H. Daisy would make it to Boston.
Readers of this journal might not be familiar with Clarksboro, NJ, but there is a repair shop on Kings Highway called Gattuso's. The Baltimore tow truck, thoroughly exasperated by now, dropped the car back to the pavement and wrote up the little bill. As soon as Haggard pulled out his wad (of cash), two cop cars appeared out of the darkness. The cops cornered them from two directions, leapt out of the car with their Mag lights in shining in their faces. "What's going on here?" barked Tweedledum and Tweedledee.
The Directors briefly explained that the tow truck had just brought the Dart in for repairs. That seemed to make sense to them after they thought about it . Then the interrogation began. "Do you have any cocaine in the car?"
"No, we don't think so."
"O.K. Have a good night."
At 2 am, they checked into a local hotel called the Dutch Inn after polishing off a nasty breakfast at a 24-hour truck stop. They would get up the next morning at 5, check out of the hotel, and continue to drive through New Jersey.
H&H were waiting for the mechanic when he arrived at Gattuso at 7:45. They were a little behind schedule but confident that this would be the man to save the day. After hearing the story about how they ended up in this small NJ town, the mechanic must have thought them crazy, but H&H pushed on. "Is there any way you can get this thing fixed in the next hour?" they asked. The mechanic took a look at them, took a good look at Daisy and said, "Hell, I'm so far behind I may as well start with you boys." Another break.
The mechanic took a look at the car, and while giving H&H a quick lesson in auto repair, quickly identified the problem: a melted electronic ignition module (that explains the blue smoke they had seen earlier in the week). The only issue now was getting a part in the next 45 minutes. The mechanic made a call to a local supply shop as Howell listened in. "Hi. I'm looking for an electronic ignition module for a 1974 Dodge Dart. (pause) I didn't think they had those until '75 either, but this one does. (another pause) You do?! Great! Send it over right away." At this point H&H thought they must be running low on luck.
The rest of the trip was fairly uneventful. They made it to NJ, picked up Scheidl, drove to MA, and met Bill with the rest of the clan at the tux rental shop, only 1 hour late.
Bill has no idea that Daisy is sitting only yards away. Silly Billy.
Members of the party check out the wheels under the cover of darkness.
"We have all come together this weekend to celebrate William and Marianne's commitment to each other. As God looks down on them this fine day, he is smiling. Two wonderful people, two of our dear friends, have chosen happiness and made us all proud. We think that God's grin today is just a little bit wider now that they will be driving off into their bright future in grand style.
This gift is the best way we could all think of to tell you, Bill and Marianne, how happy we are about your union. We want you to remember our well wishes and fond hearts every time you step out of your front door and see your chariot waiting patiently by the curb. Like the Dart Custom, we will all be there for you whenever you call.
Some gathered here may be asking why we thought that the four-door Custom model is more appropriate than the two-door Swinger variant. We chose the Custom in hopeful anticipation that we might all soon be surrogate aunts and uncles to Willy and Marianne's minions. The only thing that could possibly be better than two Komaromi-Kanes is a whole lot more of them. Just imagine a horde of tykes with Marianne's gorgeous looks and her sharp intellect combined with Bill's... umm... well anyway, there will be room for them all.
We see their future filled with picnics and trips to the beach and other fun excursions. They are such an absolutely lovely couple; we felt that they should have a mode of transportation that reflected their astute sensibilities and their polished sense of style. The new couple before us, and their new car, speaks of refined distinction without saying a word.
Without further ado, good luck, enjoy, and peace out, man."
While the Dart is not an amphibious vehicle, per se, it does feature boat-like handling. Many of the discomforts of modern transportation evaporate in the wide vinyl expanse of the Dart's front seats, and the back seat has loads of room for passengers or whatever else one can think of. Marianne and Bill will also find solace in the expansive trunk space, convenient for groceries or as many new power tools as Marianne lets Bill buy. Look out world, trouble is coming your way and it is wearing a white top and dressed in Mustard Yellow.
"So tell me again, what are our options?"
Bill and Marianne driving away from the wedding